Day 25

I am still unsure what the work of grief is. It is undefined. It began that way and is continuing on that way. I feel like I'm floundering. Like I should be doing something but I don't know what it is. I want that peace in my heart. I don't know if I'm in denial over what occurred or if I've actually accepted it and am doing fine. I have no idea. No one can tell me. Am I mourning still? Someone I saw today for the first time this year told me she was sorry to hear about mom passing. I smiled my now familiar tight smile and said thank you. Yes, it was a rough time and moved past it because really,what is there to say. 

Maybe I'm callous. Sometimes I wonder about that. Am I cold hearted cause I have accepted that mom is gone? If so, where did the deep emotions come from. Is she settled in my heart? Is all of this internal debate a symptom of grief? Of being unsure of where I am in life, of where I believe mom went, what lies beyond death. Have I embraced the sadness or avoided it? Is there a questioning phase of grief? Is it that when I stop questioning I will find peace? Does peace equal not thinking? How do I know when I'm done? How do I know where I am in the stages? How do I connect with myself, because I feel very disconnected.  Like there's a wall between myself and my emotions. Nothing is felt too deeply. Perhaps I never will feel deeply again.