My heart is tired. Ragged with exhaustion. Trying to put on the happy face. Inside just wanting to curl up in bed. Wanting no one to worry about me. Not wanting to think or feel anymore. Wanting to feel normal unworried and unfettered but that won't happen again. Not for awhile I guess. I distract myself from the constant feeling. I remind myself to keep my boundaries. I try to let myself retreat when needed but life doesn't work that way
My heart hurts that people can't see how crumpled it is. I want gentleness and kindness and it's not always there. Peace and quiet not confrontation yet my work is all mini skirmishes. Today it's really whacking me down. I find the energy to smile at strangers because it helps me. But I want that down comforter pulled over my head.
I forget to be gentle with myself. I push and do and don't take the quiet that I need and then I get a day like today where everything seems fucked up.
My keys get misplaced. My glasses go missing. I actually was sleep eating Sunday night because I took an ambien to try to sleep. Nothing feels in control. And of course it's not.
Those ragged fluttery edges of my heart are what I see. Yet still in the center it beats strongly. Consistently. It's like there is a part of me waiting for the grieving part to feel better before wrapping my whole heart up again and healing the edges. Growth through pain. A life unexamined is not worth living. Hence, I pick and pluck at the frayed threads, sometimes settling one back into the whole. Sometimes pulling until something new unravels and the heart is heavy again. Like today. The air is heavy and my heart is heavy. A difficult combination.
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