Day 6 prompt

"Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside, you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing."

I am learning how very true this statement is. I've had a fairly charmed life. My father was an asshole and I had o deal with some feelings about that but overall when compared to most people I have been very fortunate. I am a writer at heart however one of the things I struggle with is creativity. They say write what you know. Having never know something of this magnitude, having lost someone so pivotal in my life, I am beginning to see a side of the human experience I have not felt. I am empathetic but not a participant. 

So now I participate. And again I feel compelled to say that moms death was a natural occurrence, she lived a good life and died at 73. There is still a piece of me that feels overly dramatic grieving for her. I know how odd that sounds.

So how to be kind to myself. I'm actually pretty talented in that area. My biggest change noticeable to me has been my utter need for quiet and peace. I think the stress of caregiving stripped me of any desire for noise, lights, constant action. I am more apt to be happy at home on a Saturday night. I am less apt to have a drink. While I would find people's habits like humming at work annoying, now it's the presence of a lot of people in my office which grates. 

Kindness to myself is going to bed early with a book. Having a quiet dinner with a good friend. Sometimes it's watching the NBA finals with my family because they are funny and being in their company feels really soothing even if they are noisy. Being soft and gentle to others is being kind to myself because the energy around me stays where I want it to be.

Being kind to myself is controlling my environment (within reason) so that I can be okay. Even though I know what I want and often want things done my way because it's the right way, I also used to absorb other people's needs and emotions and stress over them, wanting to help and fix. Being kind to myself is being a better gatekeeper and only allowing what is important in.

There is a piece of me that stands back watching how this has changes me and clinically observing an actual shift in my person. I'm my own fly on the wall.