No, not in a past life. Journaling for me is a release of overflowing thoughts which generally runs its course. The universe pitched me a curveball late in 2015 and I am feeling the need to put pen to paper. Or fingers to iPad.
Last night T and I returned from a long weekend in Miami. We needed the time away desperately to disconnect from the stress we have been under and to reconnect with one another. Reconnecting? Really easy, and wonderful too. We have spent over 44 years together. We have a history that while imperfect as humans are meant to be, is also rich and strong. I welcome the feelings of love that I felt with him. It felt new and fun and exciting and I know he feels the same. So win on that one.
Disconnecting from the stress? Also rather easy, surprisingly. I could finally breathe without having to remind myself. In coming home the stress is back. No, I didn't expect my grief to be gone. It seems like grief always has a little surprise for me, and this one was feeling OK and then having that band aid ripped off with little thoughts like knowing that mom isn't here to tell all about our vacation. T and I loved doing that especially over a cup of tea. The other band aid today was the mail in which I keep getting moms bills and I remember the financial duties I have to resume tomorrow. I bought a precook end turkey breast today at the store. I remembered as I was cutting myself a slice that mom mentioned wanting one in March and I was not able to get it for her. Then she was too sick to eat it. That turkey tasted like sawdust. I ate it and cried a bit.
People tell me I should still talk to mom. That she will hear me. Some part of me believes it. The skeptic, well, not so much.
It was really good to feel somewhat normal - or at least "new" normal. I'll be grateful for that today.
