The world can see the shape of you in me.

When we began living together as adults, it became apparent to me how much you and I are alike. There are vast differences as well, but that similarity is definitely there.

Towards the end, as we were just waiting for your death, on the good days, we would be talking or watching tv and I would make a comment. And you would look at me with a smile and say "I was just thinking that". We both agreed that we are very much alike. I like to think that brought you comfort. I know it brings comfort to me. I would acknowledge that thought with you. I'd make sure I said things like "everything I have is because of you" and "my life is wonderful because of you". Those are true statements, though not the full picture, of course.

We enjoyed one another's company. We rarely got on each other's nerves. I think we both knew how to give one another space so that our peace was preserved. I think she saw in me a "better" version of herself - and I don't mean better in terms of what sort of person I am. I mean better in terms of having a few qualities she wished she had. I'm a little more adventurous, outgoing and risk taking. My world is more open than hers was. Because of that, my experiences were a little deeper, more broad in terms of the world. Mom had a narrow world. She expressed that she wishes she'd had a boyfriend to do fun things with on the weekends, to go away with, to explore with. She wishes she was able to make friends easier. She lived through me a bit.

And I understand this - because I feel a similar kinship with my girls. I see how their lives are more broad than mine. I see what is open to them that was not open to me.

So yes, the world can see the shape of mom in me. And the world can see the shape of me in my girls. It brings me much comfort. I think I know how she felt about a lot of things. I think now of what a friend she was to me. I feel the loss of being able to sit down and chat and talk things through. I want to know her opinion. I want to see her face as she listens to her grandkids which always brought this special smile and glow to her. I know I will have a similar glow.

I assured her that she would live on, and I meant it. She lives on through me. Her influence lives on through my kids. She was able to pass on that "you can do nothing wrong and are simply wonderful" feeling that I think everyone should have access to. Sure, mistakes are made, but when mom looked at me and would say "they will be ok." I somehow believed it, knew it deep in my bones. She gave that to me. That peace and security of knowing that Mom, who I have inside me, approves of my life and my kids - that will hopefully never leave me.

And that's what makes this so damned hard. She validated me. I saw me in her - I taught her how to embrace life a little harder. And I see her in me in so many ways. So so many.

She understood me. She had three kids. She was married for a long time. She worked. She knew my life. I knew hers. We were kindred spirits. Yet somehow I don't feel that is gone. I feel that spirit is still with me, and I'm very grateful for that.